Psyche of Sexual Failure in married men

Taking from my clinical experience in terms of incidence and diagnosis of performance anxiety in married men, there is a common thread of behavior and action.

Stating it in simple words is that -” a man cannot perform on demand sex”. one should note i am not generalizing it to all men i am speaking for those who are clinically diagnosed with performance anxiety.

Even in cases where the man has known his woman for long and has been sexually intimate with her over multiple occasions he still becomes the victim of sexual performance anxiety when she demands sex. Let say she provocatively moves towards him does numbers which would amount to great foreplay and good sexual teasing she takes it forwards by undressing and trying to initiate the sex. The man responds by what I coin as ‘sexual freezing’ . So what happens exactly during sexual freezing ?

He will suddenly during the very act lose his desire interest and excitement . This will make his penis lose the erection and no amount of cajoling and coaxing can return it back to what it was just few seconds back.

His whole focus now shifts to getting the erection back and anxiety enters the mind shifting his stance from arousal and excitement to sweating and nervousness.

The sexual thoughts are now replaced by anxious thoughts like ” how will I satisfy her? What is going wrong ? Why is this happening now ? I want to make out but why is the penis shrinking?Is this the result of my over masturbation ?

At this juncture the woman is left to figure out on her own what is going through his mind, clearly he is no longer in the moment, he is distracted and she asks the most common question what is wrong with you ? Followed by self doubt , that why are you not interested in me ?

When this pattern plays out a good amount of time the regular questions pile upon ego ,guilt, blame shifting and other dysfunctional elements in the relationship.

Factors like possibility of sexual cheating also come into play in her mind and before long she starts doubting the fate of the relationship and second guesses whether it is worth staying in the relationship or marriage.

What follows is the insults piling upon sexual failure and loss of face and respect for the man by his wife often in front of audience like family members and friends. The sexual jibes and taunts increases his anxiety more and more and he becomes a candidate for definite failure in the near future again.

All these affairs puts the man in tremendous anxious state and to prove his manliness he keeps testing his sexuality by masturbating.  Every time he can masturbate it is a reassurance to him that every thing will go fine next time he tries. He enters the vicious cycle of blaming masturbation and resorting to the very same each time.

He is now ready for the next phase of exploration that is over the counter pills. On failing with local medicines a good number of times his worst fear comes true some thing is terribly wrong in him . He takes up the next option, doctor or sexologist. In his pursuit of what is the right course of action often things escalate beyond repair.

My take on this is, is it normal for a man not to accept his sexual deficiency if he is able to ejaculate? Is it normal for a man to go to a doctor only when his marriage in over the rocks ?

Is it manliness to hide your sexual failures under various facades like tiredness over worked or burdens of family or work pressure?

It is time for the society to understand the importance and functionality of sexual health and its practical implication for the quality of life.

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