WHAT TO DO WHEN SEX GETS BITTER WITH YOUR BETTER HALF!

Mostly the discussion here would circumscribe around the husband as the better half not holding good at his promise of great sex life, steamy bed scenes and cant get enough of you promises made before marriage . I will give some quick pointers and brief discussions about the do ‘s and the dont’s .

Firstly the DO’S:

  1. Talk to him more. Improve your communication levels/skills. Dont stop talking as a punishment strategy.
  2. Improve modify or change conflict management skills.
  3. Touch and massage his body at night. Make the first move rather than waiting and hoping, he will. Gently and non threateningly ask him to reciprocate.
  4. Do things that he used to like earlier or has appreciated you over before.
  5. In case your partner is taking some medicines or there has been changes in his medication inform and discus this with your doctor.

 

Discussions

Most common cause for loosing interest in sex is poor sex desire, other causes can be low Testosterone levels , anxiety, stress, depression, alcoholism, drugs etc. Loss of sex desire is never due to erectile dysfunction.  The point to remember here is that the less the man performs the more he looses his desire to perform.

DONT’S

  1. Don’t think that he is attracted to some one else. Don’t think that he is not interested in sex.
  2. Don’t accept a sex less marriage.
  3. Don’t waste your time thinking it will get better on its own
  4. Don’t think that this condition is un-treatable.

 

Discussion

It is not natural to loose desire for sex. There has to be an underlying reason for it. If talking to him does not help you in understanding the cause of loss of interest, then you must escalate the matter . Visit an expert , now would be the right time to visit a sex counselor even if you have omitted doing so in the past.

 

Psyche of Sexual Failure in married men

Taking from my clinical experience in terms of incidence and diagnosis of performance anxiety in married men, there is a common thread of behavior and action.

Stating it in simple words is that -” a man cannot perform on demand sex”. one should note i am not generalizing it to all men i am speaking for those who are clinically diagnosed with performance anxiety.

Even in cases where the man has known his woman for long and has been sexually intimate with her over multiple occasions he still becomes the victim of sexual performance anxiety when she demands sex. Let say she provocatively moves towards him does numbers which would amount to great foreplay and good sexual teasing she takes it forwards by undressing and trying to initiate the sex. The man responds by what I coin as ‘sexual freezing’ . So what happens exactly during sexual freezing ?

He will suddenly during the very act lose his desire interest and excitement . This will make his penis lose the erection and no amount of cajoling and coaxing can return it back to what it was just few seconds back.

His whole focus now shifts to getting the erection back and anxiety enters the mind shifting his stance from arousal and excitement to sweating and nervousness.

The sexual thoughts are now replaced by anxious thoughts like ” how will I satisfy her? What is going wrong ? Why is this happening now ? I want to make out but why is the penis shrinking?Is this the result of my over masturbation ?

At this juncture the woman is left to figure out on her own what is going through his mind, clearly he is no longer in the moment, he is distracted and she asks the most common question what is wrong with you ? Followed by self doubt , that why are you not interested in me ?

When this pattern plays out a good amount of time the regular questions pile upon ego ,guilt, blame shifting and other dysfunctional elements in the relationship.

Factors like possibility of sexual cheating also come into play in her mind and before long she starts doubting the fate of the relationship and second guesses whether it is worth staying in the relationship or marriage.

What follows is the insults piling upon sexual failure and loss of face and respect for the man by his wife often in front of audience like family members and friends. The sexual jibes and taunts increases his anxiety more and more and he becomes a candidate for definite failure in the near future again.

All these affairs puts the man in tremendous anxious state and to prove his manliness he keeps testing his sexuality by masturbating.  Every time he can masturbate it is a reassurance to him that every thing will go fine next time he tries. He enters the vicious cycle of blaming masturbation and resorting to the very same each time.

He is now ready for the next phase of exploration that is over the counter pills. On failing with local medicines a good number of times his worst fear comes true some thing is terribly wrong in him . He takes up the next option, doctor or sexologist. In his pursuit of what is the right course of action often things escalate beyond repair.

My take on this is, is it normal for a man not to accept his sexual deficiency if he is able to ejaculate? Is it normal for a man to go to a doctor only when his marriage in over the rocks ?

Is it manliness to hide your sexual failures under various facades like tiredness over worked or burdens of family or work pressure?

It is time for the society to understand the importance and functionality of sexual health and its practical implication for the quality of life.

Conflict with parents over marriage

What to do when your parents disapprove of your Marriage ?

When your parents disapprove of who you choose to marry, your marriage and that of your parents will be impacted. Additionally the relationship that you have with your parents can be severely damaged.

Should you go ahead with your Marriage ?

Wait,the most important step you should take now is to share the reason you love your partner. Ask your partner to meet your parents more often . During the meeting discuss childhood memories, dreams, goals, future plans and so on.

Parents will take negatively about the person you love, your parents comments may not be liked by you. But give them a patient hearing because their advice is coming from a place of love & protection for you.

The next and the most important thing you must do is to meet a sex cum relationship counselor, this kind of a counseling helps parents to see your point of view, and this will reduce their fear that you have marrying a wrong person.

If your parents are not convinced then please postpone your wedding until such time that you are confident about making the right choice. Every marriage is in some way shaped by the family, so starting a new life with their blessing will pay off better dividends later.

Realize that it is less traumatic to call off the wedding than it is to get a divorce.

The points that you should keep in mind is that with time people grow and most often people grow apart.

You have to have a clear vision how you and your partner can remain entwined and grow together.